I can see the cars of hopeful Berkeley college students start to roll into the University. Already, my former college kids are going back to school. Most of my friends are still in college, and I have gotten an ear full of class schedules and new apartment options for this coming semester. I love these conversations a little more than is healthy. I often willingly ask what classes they are planning on taking, becoming sentimental and day-dreaming about my experience with that particular professor. In moments of boredom, I even find myself looking through the course catalog, thinking about what I would be taking if I was going back with everyone else (sigh).
I miss the college life. I miss the pseudo-independence that life gave me. Sure I was out of my parent’s house and paying for school with the help of the government, but deep-down inside I knew that this was not real independence. It lacked that “HELP! What am I doing with my life?!” feeling that really living on your own gives you. This feeling is scary, but at the same time exhilarating. It is like nothing I ever experienced as a student, even during those intense midterms and finals.
A lot of my life is “up in the air” at the moment. I have started writing for a number of online publications, trying to get my name out there. This could lead to nothing, or it could lead to getting head-hunted by an awesome company. There is something about this stage of my life that resembles a game of poker. I have my cards, the “Real World” has his, and I have no idea what he is holding, or if he is bluffing, but I have an urge to go all in.
Still, I fold. Shrinking back from the scary prospect of defeat, and basking in the past. Oh how fun it would be to be a student again! When I was a student I had a clear path, I knew exactly where I was going, and it was easy to move forward. Now, because I can’t see where I am going, it is hard to find my way.
Let me end by using an old, worn out metaphor: There is a light at the end of the tunnel. No matter how dark it is at the moment, the future holds great things. It is time I straighten out my thought-life; no more backwards dreaming, only forward thinking.